My name is Jeremy Clarke and I'm nobody. I smoke a pack of cigarettes a day just to relieve the pain. Some may say smoking is bad and is not a solution, but maybe, just maybe I smoke to kill myself. Jumping from a tall building or hang myself? Well I thought about it, yes I'm ashamed but it is the truth. I wont be doing that because I'm afraid of pain. I don't like pain. I don't like to hurt myself yet I don't feel that I belong here. Why do I feel lonely? I have a family. A father, a mother, two twin brothers and a younger brother. I also have a fiancée. Yes, I'm engage. But why don't I fell like I don't belong anywhere? I don't know how to express my feeling. Me and my family, we don't bond that much. My father and mother owns a business. They don't really pay that much attention to family bonding or family relationships. If I were ever to become a parent, I would devote my entire life for my kid.And my brothers? Lets say we are not that tight. The only way I could think of is writing and smoking. I don't drink tho. Drinking is bad. Well that is just my opinion, you guys can do whatever you want. I feel the best when I smoke in the middle of a cold night and hearing the fire burning of my cigarette and when I write, its as tho I'm releasing my emotion, a ball of attention seeking thrown out to this blog so other people will read it. Well thank you if you are reading this. I really appreciate it.

  Moving on, I always wondered why do we exists? Why do god create us? What is the purpose of living? Is it to get rich? Is it to pray five times a day? I used to have a goal in life, but I just don't see it happening any time soon so I drop down on that. Yes, you might say try harder or don't give up or don't quit but maybe it works for you. I just cannot stop thinking that I fail in life. I'm negative. The only thing I could think of is how much of a crap I am. I do believe in god but I'm just not all that religious. I believe in being a good person but look at what turn out to be for me. Now I'm just an emotionless asshole. How do I know I'm an asshole? Well there's one incident where there's this kid, a young girl asking me for help the other day. Probably wanted a ride home. She asked me "excuse me mister, can you help me?", well to be honest I could actually help her but I said "NO" in the rudest way possible. I don't know why I did that, maybe its because I'm jealous of that girl. So free, no responsibility, not a care in the world. How I wish I was young again. Why did I ever wanted to grow up?.  Well since then I know I'm a complete asshole.

Well things used to be great. I'm not depressed like this since birth, everyone was born equal (?). Some born in poverty and some born as royalty. But me, I was born in a normal middle class family. Its not that bad but growing up I don't really have any fun or exciting memories except when I was sent to the army for 3 months (its compulsory in my country). It was the best moment in my life. Probably when you suffer together with a bunch of friends you became the best of friends. I've lost contact with all of them tho because they live in another part of the world and Facebook? I don't really do social networking, I hated it!.  I don't really have friends, the only friends I got are two people that i hang out with to smoke weed. That's all. To be honest tho, hash really helped me a lot. But its illegal here in my country and its very risky. I can end up in jail. 

   Well, the story of my life is I used to owned a business. The most enjoyment I have ever had in my life is when I have money. I was twenty years old, had a lot of cash had my own car, things could not have been better. When I thought I was on top of the world, the best at my game, I took things for granted, never tried to get out of my comfort zone, I got lazy and I was at the peak of things. My business went well for two years,  I got engage with the love of my life, as so I thought she was, but everything flushed away in an instant. I failed. I was unemployed for the  next two year wondering what the hell happened and things started to go bad. I don't want it to go bad but I couldn't helped it. That was the start of my depression. I felt lonely, I don't know where to cry or who to talk to. I'm late on car payments and I had to rely on my parents for everything. My fiancée, she went to medical school and now an intern at one of the biggest government hospital and probably that's the reason our relationship cracked. She was going to become a doctor. So prestigious, a job scope looked up by the community and I'm here waking up depressed every single day looking for something to do. Maybe that's why she left me, for not  being the man that I used to be. Well I do blame myself.  If I have a lot of money and are successful maybe things wont go as bad. 

I like reading tho, and also like to write. If you guys have any suggestion on books, I would like to read it. I'm not a writer nor  will I ever be one but I enjoy it. Sitting on the table with my coffee and a cigarette on my left hand and the sound that my keyboard when I type. Writing gives me pleasure so I'm going to write stories. I don't expect you guys to read it but if you do please tell me how I can improve. This will be end of my attention seeking blog post that you guys had to read. Well I thank you for your time and very much appreciate it. If I could see you guys in person I'd give you guys a hug. Thank you.

Regards,

Jeremy